Empowering People-Pleasers: Finding Balance & Moving Forward
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
I remember when I was in an all-day meeting and stressed out about the tasks I still needed to complete to meet a deadline. With each passing minute, my anxiety grew as I thought about how to excuse myself, but I felt like I couldn’t. (You know that knotted dread I’m talking about?) So, I stayed quiet and worked late to get everything done. I overcommitted myself that day and felt like I couldn’t ask for help. I was driven by the need to please and appease my boss, avoiding possible conflicts or being seen in a bad light. Fear got to me.
Have you experienced something similar?
Do you often put other people’s needs above your own, sometimes to your detriment? Do you frequently seek approval and external validation, fearing rejection or disapproval? If so, you might be caught in the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing. While being kind and helpful are wonderful traits, chronic people-pleasing can lead to significant emotional and psychological stress.
For adult Third-Culture Kids (TCKs), this behaviour can be particularly ingrained, shaped by our unique upbringing. Understanding both the negative and positive aspects of people-pleasing, and why we engage in it, can help us feel more empowered to find balance and create meaningful change in our lives.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is a behaviour pattern where we habitually prioritise others' needs and desires over our own. This can manifest in various ways and at different levels of consciousness, such as:
Overcommitting: Taking on too many tasks or responsibilities to help others, even when you don’t have the time, capacity, or desire to meet those requests.
Avoiding Conflict: Suppressing your true feelings or opinions to appease others and prevent disagreements or rejection.
Seeking Approval: Constantly seeking validation and praise to feel worthy or valued.
Feeling Guilty: Experiencing guilt or anxiety when saying no or prioritising your own needs.
Social Scanning: Subconsciously scanning for clues to others’ moods, wants, and needs to anticipate your role in a situation. This helps identify opportunities to please and potential relational threats that may require appeasement. Often, this behaviour is about maintaining your status, not just avoiding conflict.
For adult TCKs, people-pleasing can also stem from our experiences of constantly adapting to different cultural norms and expectations, often feeling the need to fit in or be accepted in various environments.
Why Do People Become People-Pleasers?
Several factors can contribute to the development of people-pleasing behaviours:
Childhood Experiences: Growing up in an environment where love and approval are conditional can lead to an ingrained belief that we must earn affection by meeting others' expectations. Childhood trauma and negative experiences can also lead to the development of the Fawn trauma response—a survival mechanism where we cope with trauma or relational threats by excessively people-pleasing and prioritising others' needs to avoid conflict or harm.
Low Self-Esteem: When we have a low sense of self-worth, we may rely on external validation to feel good about ourselves.
Fear of Rejection: The fear of being rejected or disliked can drive us to go to great lengths to please others, even at the expense of our own well-being.
Cultural and Social Conditioning: Societal norms and cultural expectations can pressure us to be accommodating and self-sacrificing.
For adult TCKs, there are additional layers:
Adaptation as Survival: Moving between cultures often requires us to quickly learn and adopt new norms, sometimes at the cost of our own preferences or identity.
Fear of Not Belonging: Having grown up in multiple cultures, we may feel like we never fully belong to any one group. People-pleasing can become a strategy to secure a sense of belonging.
Internalised Expectations: Adult TCKs might internalise the high expectations placed on us to be adaptable, multicultural, and socially skilled, leading us to prioritise others' needs as a way to meet these expectations.
The Negative Impact of Chronic People-Pleasing
While people-pleasing might seem harmless, chronic people-pleasing can have detrimental effects on our mental and emotional health:
Burnout and Exhaustion: Constantly putting others first can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion.
Resentment: Suppressing our needs can breed resentment towards others and damage our relationships.
Loss of Identity: Constantly moulding ourselves to fit others' expectations can cause us to lose touch with our true selves, leading to a lack of self-trust.
Anxiety and Depression: The chronic stress of trying to please everyone can contribute to anxiety and depression.
For adult TCKs, these effects can be intensified by the challenges of navigating identity, internalised beliefs, and expectations across different cultures. The pressure to please and adapt can lead to an even deeper sense of disconnection from one’s authentic self.
The Positive Impact of People-Pleasing
It’s not all doom and gloom if you have a tendency to people-please, there are positive aspects to people-pleasing that we shouldn’t ignore:
Empathy and Compassion: People-pleasers are often empathetic and perceptive to others' emotions, making us compassionate and caring individuals.
Strong Interpersonal Skills: The desire to make others happy often leads to the development of excellent communication and social skills, which can help in building and maintaining relationships.
Collaboration and Teamwork: People-pleasers tend to be cooperative and good at working in teams, as we prioritise harmony and are willing to compromise to achieve group goals.
Acts of Kindness: A natural inclination to help and support others can lead to meaningful acts of kindness and generosity, positively impacting those around us.
Adaptability: People-pleasers are often highly adaptable, and able to navigate different social situations through understanding and responding to the needs of others.
Conflict Resolution: Whilst we may not like conflicts, having people-pleasing traits can be beneficial in diffusing tense situations and finding peaceful solutions.
“When balanced with self-care and boundary-setting, people-pleasing traits can contribute to positive and healthy relationships.”
Finding Balance and Moving Forward
Over the years, I’ve learned that people-pleasing can be a strength. We have the power to help others feel included, accepted, and valued. We can positively engage with people, helping them feel comfortable and safe, even in difficult times.
For me, the focus isn’t to deny our desires to be kind, helpful, or please others, but it’s to empower our strengths with balance, and consider ourselves as one of the people we want to please.
This requires self-awareness, courage, and a commitment to change. Here are some steps for you to consider:
Notice Your People-Pleasing Tendencies: Notice your thoughts, feelings, and internal reactions during your interactions with others. Where do your energy and focus go? What do you want to say or do? Does it remind you of a different time in your life? What do you actually want to say or do? How do you feel?
Acknowledge Your Desires and Fears: Recognise that your thoughts, feelings, and actions are often driven by underlying desires and fears. Acknowledge them without judgment, and allow them space to exist. Show them compassion by not criticising or shaming them — understand that they are there for a reason. It’s worth noting that allowing your feelings to exist doesn’t mean allowing them in the driver’s seat — you are always the driver and they are the passengers.
Understand Your Worth: Remind yourself that your worth is not determined by others’ opinions or approval. Celebrate your uniqueness and take pride in your individuality. Embrace your story and recognise the value it adds to who you are.
Recognise and Tap into Your People-Pleasing Strengths: Instead of viewing people-pleasing as a flaw, reflect on how it can be a strength. Appreciate and celebrate the positive impact of your traits. By using your strengths consciously, you can build strong connections while also setting healthy boundaries, turning people-pleasing into a valuable skill for meaningful relationships.
Set Boundaries: Learn to say “no” to your inner critics and requests that don’t serve you. This isn’t about saying “no” without guilt or fear, but learning to do so despite the guilt and discomfort that may arise. Remember, when you say “no,” you’re often saying “yes” to something else.
Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for protecting your time, energy, and emotional well-being. Keep in mind that while others may have their thoughts and feelings about your new boundaries, their discomfort is not yours to own. We all allow to have our own thoughts and feelings.
Practice Self-Care: Regularly engage in activities, spend time with people, and visit places that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Don’t forget that asking for help is also a form of self-care. Practising self-care reinforces your self-love and self-worth by reminding yourself that you matter and deserve care.
Embrace Authenticity: Strive to be true to yourself. Express your thoughts and feelings honestly, while being respectful and kind to yourself and others. If you’re an adult TCK, embrace your TCK identity. Acknowledge the complexities of your identity and the strengths that come with it, recognise the uniqueness of your experiences as rich and colourful.
Include You: Start including yourself in your decision-making process. Consider how you can still fill your own cup while topping up others. Is it time to balance all the positivity you have been giving out by giving it back to you too?
Seek Support: Consider talking to a therapist who can help you explore the root causes of your people-pleasing behaviour. This process may involve a combination of healing from past events, letting go of unhelpful beliefs, and developing new skills to create meaningful change in your life.
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When I reflected on the meeting I mentioned earlier in the blog, it took me back to my early childhood in Thailand and how my Asian culture taught us to be a "good child." We were raised to be respectful, bow when passing elders or superiors, and avoid talking back, questioning decisions, or making a fuss. An agreeable, humble, hard-working, and fuss-free child was considered a "good child."
Despite moving to the UK at 14 and adopting much of modern Western culture, a part of me (the child part) still found it difficult to speak up in that meeting. I wonder how my present self (the adult part) would have responded to the situation? I believe she would recognise her value as a person and team member, and use her communication skills to connect with her boss's empathetic and problem-solving side when asking for help and guidance instead of staying quiet.
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Remember, this journey isn’t about disregarding others' needs or your natural way of being. It’s about finding a balance that allows you to love, care for, respect, and honour yourself while still being kind and considerate to others. Your value is intrinsic, and you deserve to be valued just as much as anyone else.
For adult TCKs, this process may involve unpacking layers of cultural adaptation and identity struggles. By empowering and balancing your people-pleasing tendencies, you can foster healthier, more authentic relationships with both yourself and others, and live a more fulfilling life.
If you would like to find out more about how therapy can help you, I’m Star, an experienced online & outdoor counsellor, please don’t hesitate to contact me for a free 15-minute intro chat.