Have you ever found yourself constantly putting others first, struggling to say no, and fearing conflict—yet at the same time resisting help, keeping your struggles private, and feeling the need to handle everything alone?

At first glance, people-pleasing and hyper-independence seem like opposites. One seeks approval and connection, while the other pushes people away to avoid reliance. But at their core, they often involved overthinking, overgiving, and overdoing. These two presentations are different responses to the same underlying fear: a deep uncertainty about whether we are truly safe, loved, or valued simply for being ourselves.

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I used to see myself as strong and independent; I was proud of that. If someone questioned or criticised my choices, I would feel hurt or offended. My mind would replay, “I survived for this long— you have no idea!” But at the same time, I also wanted to please. I put others first because I was ‘strong and independent’—I could handle it, right? My needs weren’t as urgent as others. I wanted to be liked, loved, and seen as dependable.

It was a confusing, frustrating, and lonely place to be. I struggled to share my true thoughts and feelings. Instead, I kept them inside until they were perfectly formed, neatly packaged, and ready for what felt like a ‘presentation.’ I only allowed myself to speak at the right time, in the right environment, and with the right people. And if those stars didn’t align, I stayed silent. Looking back, I see how fear kept me hidden—it stopped me from experiencing deeper, more meaningful connections with others, and of course, with myself.

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What Are People-Pleasing and Hyper-Independence?

• People-Pleasing: A pattern of prioritising others’ needs, seeking external validation, and avoiding conflict at the expense of our own well-being. We may struggle to express our needs, feel guilty for setting boundaries, or define our worth based on how much we do for others.

• Hyper-Independence: The drive to handle everything alone, avoid relying on others, and suppress vulnerability. We may struggle to ask for help, feel uncomfortable receiving kindness and support, or believe that depending on others will lead to disappointment or rejection.

On the surface, these behaviours may look very different. But if you’ve ever swung between overgiving to others and withdrawing into isolation, you’ve likely experienced how closely they are connected.

How Are They Related?

Both people-pleasing and hyper-independence come from the same underlying fear of rejection, disappointment, or failure. The difference is in how we respond to this fear:

• People-pleasers believe: If I take care of others, meet their expectations, and don’t cause problems, I will be accepted and loved.

• Hyper-independent people believe: If I don’t rely on anyone, never show weakness, and stay in control, I will be safe from hurt and disappointment.

These patterns often coexist within the same person. For adults from multicultural or international backgrounds, you might feel obligated to be responsible and self-sufficient in one context (e.g. in your family or culture), while also feeling pressure to accommodate and please in another (e.g. in friendships, work, or relationships).

For example:

• An adult Third Culture Kid (TCK) who grew up moving between cultures might learn to be adaptable and agreeable to fit in (people-pleasing), while also becoming highly self-reliant because they may have had to rebuild relationships repeatedly or push themselves harder to prove their worth in order to be accepted and feel like they belong (hyper-independence).

• Someone raised in a collectivist culture might be expected to prioritise family and social harmony (people-pleasing) but also take on adult responsibilities early, learning that vulnerability is not encouraged or acceptable (hyper-independence).

• An immigrant navigating different cultural expectations might work tirelessly to prove themselves in their new environment (hyper-independence) while still feeling guilty for not meeting their family’s expectations back home (people-pleasing).

The Impact of Living Between These Extremes

Constantly switching between people-pleasing and hyper-independence can be exhausting. It may look like:

• Feeling responsible for others’ emotions but struggling to express your own.

• Giving endlessly, then withdrawing when it becomes overwhelming.

• Feeling deeply lonely, even in relationships.

• Overcommitting out of guilt, then resenting the burden.

• Struggling with self-worth, as it’s tied to external validation or self-sufficiency.

”Emotionally, this cycle can lead to burnout, resentment, and disconnection. It’s hard to trust yourself and others when part of you longs for connection but another part fears depending on anyone.”

Where Do These Patterns Come From?

At their root, people-pleasing and hyper-independence often stem from childhood experiences, particularly emotional neglect—when your emotional needs were not consistently met, even if your parents/caregivers loved you.

You may have learned:

• Love is conditional—I’m accepted when I’m helpful, obedient, or successful.

• My needs are too much, so I must handle them alone.

• My needs are not important enough, so I will ignore them and tend to others.

• People are too busy to hear about my struggles or help me. I must be strong; only I can help myself.

• Certain emotions are bad and make people uncomfortable. Expressing them will lead to rejection, so it’s safer to suppress them.

Culturally, these patterns are often reinforced:

• In Western individualistic cultures, hyper-independence is often seen as strength and self-sufficiency. But this can discourage seeking support or admitting struggles.

• In collectivist cultures, people-pleasing can be ingrained through duty to family and community. Speaking up for your own needs may feel selfish or even disrespectful.

• In cross-cultural experiences, switching between different expectations may create identity confusion—feeling like you don’t fully belong anywhere, leading to both over-adapting (people-pleasing) and withdrawing (hyper-independence).

Breaking Free: Finding Balance Between Connection and Independence

Healing starts with self-awareness—noticing when you’re slipping into these patterns and gently questioning them.

1. Notice and Name the Pattern

• Are you saying yes when you want to say no?

• Are you avoiding asking for help, even when you need it?

• Are you feeling resentful but struggling to express your feelings and needs?

2. Question the Underlying Beliefs

• Would my worth change if I disappointed someone?

• Would asking for help really make me weak, or is that fear speaking?

• What would it feel like to say what I actually need?

3. Experiment with Small Shifts

• If you usually people-please, practice voicing your own preferences, even in small ways.

• If you tend toward hyper-independence, challenge yourself to receive help and share your vulnerability—even if it feels uncomfortable.

• Try balancing boundaries with connection—you can care for others without overextending yourself, and you can be independent without shutting people out.

”People-pleasing and hyper-independence are survival strategies learned in childhood. Neither makes you weak or broken—they are responses to unmet emotional needs.”

The goal isn’t to reject these parts of yourself but to integrate them—learning to connect with others without over-sacrificing, and standing strong without shutting yourself off. You don’t have to do everything alone. You also don’t have to earn your worth through self-sacrifice. True strength lies in finding a middle ground—where you can be independent and supported, generous and self-honouring.

If you'd like to see how therapy can support you, I’m Star, an experienced therapist supporting adults from multicultural and international backgrounds. Don’t hesitate to contact me for a free 15-minute introductory chat.