Do you ever feel like you belong in multiple places and nowhere at the same time? Do you find yourself easily adapting to new people and cultures, but always carrying a hint of "otherness"? Maybe you speak multiple languages, but your native language is no longer the one you feel confident in? If so, you might be an Adult Third-Culture Kid (ATCK).

Why is it important to talk about this? As much as I don’t subscribe to putting a label on myself or anyone else, having the language to talk about our experiences helps us to process and understand them better - the positive, complicated, and challenging ones. It helps us realise that we are not alone, and it enables us to recognise and work through our struggles with a more hopeful and compassionate perspective.

With that in mind, I wanted to talk about some key aspects of Third-Culture Kids (TCKs), with an understanding that individual experiences and circumstances can vary greatly.

Third-Culture Kids

TCKs are individuals who spend their formative years living in a culture different from their parents' or the culture of their original passport country. They often develop a ‘third culture’ that combines elements from both, creating a unique identity. This amalgamation creates a unique identity, blending traditions, languages, and customs.

The term Third-Culture Kid doesn’t mean the person is still a child though, but it describes the experiences from their formative years - when their sense of self, identity, relationships with others, and worldview are being formed.

TCKs don’t just grow out of being a Third-Culture Kid, they simply become an Adult Third-Culture Kid because their lives have been shaped by Third-Culture experiences.

There’s a misconception that TCKs are only people who spent most or all of their childhood/life outside of their parents’ culture. Depending on the individual’s environment and the people in their lives, some people may only need a couple of years to identify as a TCK. Maybe they had strict rules on the language they used, their diet and rituals, or the school or friends they had. Maybe they weren’t rules, but their new life may have had limited contact with their original culture. Maybe they moved around often and constantly had to adapt to new environments, people and cultures.

David Pollock, a sociologist and an expert in this field described TCKs’ common experiences, “The TCK frequently builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership of any.”

I invite you to take a moment to reflect on this statement - what thoughts and feelings come up for you?

Personally, I can fully relate to this statement. Despite the richness of my experiences and my life opportunities, there’s a hint of loneliness and confusion - in the desire to belong, the uncertainty about who ‘my people’ are, and where home is. I didn’t feel quite Thai or Chinese, and I didn’t feel being British was entirely true to who I am either.

My dad was a Thai-born Chinese, and my mum is Thai. She remarried and moved to the UK in her thirties. I spent my childhood in Thailand, alternating between my mum’s various homes and my dad’s home, where we lived with other Chinese family members. During my time in Thailand, my primary caregiver was mostly my Chinese Grandma, who couldn’t speak much Thai. I moved to the UK when I was 14 years old. In the UK, I didn’t have any Thai friends and spoke Thai only to my mum and some of her friends. Instead of attending an International school, I went to a regular state school in the UK. Surprisingly, I didn’t crave Thai or Asian friends; I was busy trying to fit in as an ‘English kid’ and enjoying the freedom of the Western world, where there are fewer rules, customs and traditions.

Over the years, the distance between Thailand and me grew, and I no longer felt much a part of that world. Only later in my adulthood did I become more interested in reconnecting with my roots and seeing them in a different light. I tried living back in Thailand a couple of times, but I finally found peace with 'home' being the UK. However, throughout my life, I didn’t feel I fully belonged anywhere.

While TCKs often gain valuable cross-cultural skills, adaptability, and a global perspective, they may face challenges in forming a strong sense of self and belonging to any specific cultural group. This feeling of being neither fully a part of their parents' culture nor the host culture can lead to a sense of rootlessness and identity complexity.

Some commonly shared challenges amongst TCKs:

Identity struggles

TCKs often struggle with defining their identity, since they may not fully identify with their parents' culture or the host culture - where they are now. This can lead to a sense of not truly belonging anywhere and inner self-conflict, which could become more challenging in later life, when met with bigger life decisions.

Rootlessness

Frequent relocations and exposure to different cultures can result in a lack of a stable geographic or cultural anchor. This rootlessness may contribute to difficulties in establishing long-term connections or a sense of home. They may find it difficult to settle into their environment and feel the need to keep moving and searching for the ‘right’ place and people. This may feel more pronounced during challenging times and they may lean into what feels familiar to them - a change and a new start.

Social adaptation

TCKs may become very skilled at quickly adapting to new environments, and they might appear like social chameleons who can make friends easily. This adaptability can sometimes mask underlying challenges in forming and maintaining deep and meaningful connections. Due to the transient nature of their lifestyles, relationships may remain at a certain depth, avoiding the vulnerability that comes with investing deeply in connections that might be disrupted once again.

Cultural code-switching

TCKs often become skilled at ‘code-switching’ or adjusting their behaviour and communication style based on the cultural context. While this is a valuable skill, it can be tiring and may lead to a feeling of not being authentic in any one cultural setting. They may struggle to find and define their authentic voice and values.

Loss of continuity

TCKs may experience a lack of continuity in their education and social circles, as frequent moves can disrupt friendships and educational progress. The cumulative effect of these disruptions can impact their sense of stability and academic achievement. TCKs may find their sense of self, confidence, and life perspective influenced by these disruptions, all of which could contribute to challenges in their relationships with others.

Grief and loss

With every change, there’s a sense of loss, triggering grief irrespective of the eventual positive outcome or potential gains. Over time, unacknowledged losses, left unprocessed, may accumulate, potentially leading to a range of emotional and behavioural challenges later in life, even in seemingly unrelated situations. Some overlooked or hidden losses include not only elements like lifestyle, status, places, and relationships but also the intangible sense of familiarity.

TCKs, given their unique experiences, may not recognise some of their losses. Some may find themselves struggling with grief or allocating the necessary time for mourning the losses, particularly the loss of loved ones, due to the physical and emotional distances from the places and people from their ‘other life’.

Cultural misunderstandings

TCKs might find it challenging to navigate cultural nuances and may encounter misunderstandings or stereotypes. This can be particularly pronounced when returning to their parents' home country, where they may be seen as different or out of touch. They may speak with an accent, not understand certain words and phrases, or lack the common knowledge expected of them by others. These incidents can result in the TCKs developing insecurities about themselves and their abilities. They may experience guilt and shame, and may find it difficult to express themselves authentically.

Loneliness

Have you ever come across the term 'Exulansis'? It means the tendency to stop talking about an experience because others cannot relate to it.

Many people, including adult TCKs, Expats, and Repats, may resonate with this concept. Our stories, thoughts, feelings, and experiences may seem 'too complicated,' 'too much,' 'too small,' 'too unbelievable,' or 'too unrelatable.' These feelings can make us hesitate to open up and fully connect with others. The more we avoid sharing our experiences, the fewer opportunities others have to understand us, leaving us feeling unheard, misunderstood, and isolated. TCKs may perceive their challenges as not significant or tangible enough to seek professional help, yet without a trusted support network, they might unknowingly repeat a pattern that keeps them confined within their own world.

While these challenges are common, many TCKs embrace the diversity in their experiences and value the enriching perspectives gained from exposure to various cultures. It's important to note that TCKs often develop valuable skills, such as adaptability, empathy, open-mindedness, and cross-cultural understanding, which can contribute to their success in various fields. To help TCKs strive, it’s important to help them recognise some of the challenges they have faced or may face in the future, that they’re not alone, and help them develop resilience and self-compassion for their life journey.

Do any of these resonate with you? What’s been your experience?

Remember that you don’t have to identify with the term ‘Third-Culture Kid’. What’s more important is that, if some of these challenges feel familiar to you, you’re not alone and help is available. If you would like to find out more about how therapy can help you, please don’t hesitate to contact me for a free 15-minute intro chat.

You may also be interested in reading: Finding Peace - Identity and a Sense of Home (a Third-Culture Kid’s Perspective)