Most of us walk a fine line between being our true selves and being sensitive to others in how we go about our lives. Whether that’s toning down or dialling up our style of communication to fit in our work culture, adapting our love language in our relationship, or being mindful of how we express ourselves to our family and community. Sometimes, we choose suitability and tradition over authenticity. Sometimes, we choose to hide rather than share.

So when living with multiple cultural influences, how do we show up as our authentic selves without damaging our relationships?

How do we navigate difficult topics such as marriage, children, religion, career, gender/sexual identity, body modification, and more?

The question I proposed for myself was, am I capable of loving and respecting me AND them, at the same time?

As an Asian woman in her forties, with tattoos and no children (by choice), a family reunion can feel like a cross between a coming-out party and an intervention. Dealing with sensitive questions can feel uncomfortable. Facing judgement from loved ones can be painful. Constantly having to justify our decisions can be tiring and frustrating.

Choosing not to have children can be a sensitive topic in any culture. In Asian culture, it can feel intrinsically wrong, one where family members from different generations may struggle to understand.

My elder relatives would try to convince me of the importance of having children. Judgement about being Westernised and naive would fly around a few laps. This would follow by an appeal, “Having children is important, you are Thai, you must have children.” When that was unsuccessful, they moved on to “But we’re Chinese, we need to have children. Who will look after you when you’re old?” It was interesting to learn the hierarchy of my family’s cultures.

Being a half-Thai/Chinese person who grew up in the UK, I’m used to navigating between my different family cultures and expectations. But when it’s about such a life-changing and personal matter, it was hard not to feel hurt and offended by their judgement and lack of understanding. The easier options may be to nod, smile and make amiable noises, or fight back, argue my point and tell them to butt out. These strategies sound like something my young self would have opted for - retreat or combat - either I win or they do, and really, I wasn’t going to lose. But neither one felt right, true, or kind to my adult self.

When we dismiss and hide our authenticity, we subconsciously communicate to ourselves that we don’t matter. And when the communication becomes combative, the relationship can become fractured.

This brings me back to my earlier question - am I capable of loving and respecting me AND them, at the same time? I needed to pause and first ask myself - do I want to? Because if I do want to, then I can, and therefore, I am.

My path to balancing authenticity and cultural expectations looks something like this:

• Be honest with myself about who I am, and what I want and need.

• Have clarity on my decisions.

• Let go of my fears.

• Offer myself love, respect, and empathy by not dismissing or hiding who I am.

• Offer others love, respect, and empathy by not dismissing or condemning their fears, concerns, and life experiences which led them to their own beliefs.

• Communicate truthfully, in a loving, kind, and respectful way.

• Make room for our differences and the uncomfortable feelings that arise from our differences. (It was never meant to be easy.)

• Separate the actions from the person, and look for the intentions.

• Give the gift of time - for people to process, and hopefully, accept my decisions.

• Accept that we may never see things the same way.

• Look for other pathways to connection.

• Let go of unhelpful and unkind beliefs and values that are no longer true or kind to me.

Although some of my relatives still don’t see or agree with my views and decisions, I chose to accept their concerns and see their intentions from a place of love. And I’ve let go of the need to fit in or convince them otherwise. As for my tattoos, once I let go of my fears and stopped trying to hide them, I was surprised by some of the reactions I received. A lot of the fears and assumptions were the fantasies I constructed in my head. It made me realise that, as much as I needed to trust in myself and my ability to give and receive love, I also needed to offer that trust to others.

How about you? Have you had to face some difficult situations trying to show up as your authentic self? Are you struggling with finding and being ‘you’? It’s not always easy. Inner conflicts can affect other areas of our lives. Anxiety, fears, and stress can build up over time. If you want to work through it together, please get in touch for a free 15-minute intro chat.